


Fooled Myself

by vampyrolover



Series: You Got That Power Over Me [3]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, and alex has to put up with it, and they want babies together, but she loves her, but there's angst, lena's a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-12-20 20:16:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21062576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampyrolover/pseuds/vampyrolover
Summary: Lena lets herself be consumed by her Luthor genes' influence, and realises she wants a baby with Alex.; ;𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒖𝒏𝒘𝒊𝒔𝒆,𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒇𝒐𝒐𝒍𝒆𝒅 𝒎𝒚𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇.𝒑𝒓𝒆𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒐𝒓𝑰 𝒘𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒃𝒐𝒅𝒚 𝒆𝒍𝒔𝒆,'𝒄𝒂𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝑰 𝒄𝒂𝒏'𝒕 𝒔𝒑𝒆𝒂𝒌 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒖𝒂𝒈𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒏𝒆𝒆𝒅𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒊𝒕'𝒔 𝒌𝒊𝒍𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒎𝒆.





	Fooled Myself

No matter how high she held her head, her insecurities were persistent and more often than not, refused to remain unnoticed. Between Supergirl emergencies that would require her help, and her own work — whether it was some random research, her technology still in development, or anything that was actually related to her company, the one that she continued to struggle to own and run, — she managed a simple solution that'd help her straying away from self–destructive thoughts, some of which that usually led her to fall into the stereotype of her Luthor genes.

As she mentioned, no matter how much she normally refused to allow people to bring her down, her own fears had a tendency to beat her to it. She was a genius, and she took pride in such, yet apart from that, she found comfort in it, too. Busy as her mind was, it often helped her preventing from stumbling into the trap of conscious self–doubt, even if every once in a while, it was practically impossible to escape from it.

…which was why the tiniest part of her was clearly selfish in appreciating each time the Super would need her, self–conscious of the wonders those distractions had planned for her, aiding her in refusing to allow that small box at the back of her head from opening and consequently pouring out every little insecurity she’d been trying as hard as she could to avoid.

All of the scenarios above inevitably faded away the second she gave herself the pleasure to take some days off work, deciding it was time she’d focus on herself for once. She was ridiculously young, once held an adventurous side in herself that’d been hidden for far too long, and truth to be told, she was in constant danger not to enjoy her life as she should. Not that she thought she wasn’t doing it by chasing after her dreams, the career she had somewhat sought for herself but eventually fell right into her lap, and turned out to be one of the greatest things that had ever happened to her, but… let’s face it, she would receive death threats and actual serious attempts every other month, thus it wasn’t that ludicrous to desire some time for herself, even if it took her longer than she’d have liked to come to that decision.

𝘎𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘶𝘴.

She snorted at that.

The sad thing was, apart from an idea or two, one concern or another towards the woman she was involved with, or even her sister, her mind was mostly blank, and yet still running wild at the same time, if that made any sense.

Which brought her back —, Luthor genes.

Ever since she found herself locked inside her shared apartment with Alex Danvers, its silence hadn’t done her any favours. Try as she might, her stubbornness wasn’t a myth, and once it decided to make an appearance, it refused to back down, so the second it attacked her in her mind’s favour, it was impossible to win against it.

She’d been born for greatness, many people had told her that in her past. Unfortunately, she had never been quite certain whether it was because they actually believed in her potential, or because she’d been adopted into a powerful family such as the Luthors. Still, she’d grown up accordingly, eventually following her own path, but always desiring such greatness.

Ironically, she wished it for other people, not herself, thus the reason why she spent 90% of her time devoting her efforts and work, to the world.

However, in the midst of her demanding education and constant dedication to insane projects, she found those 10% where she dared to dream. For a family, perhaps, one that was nothing like the one she’d grown into. One that would be warm, dedicated to one another rather than their business, one that would make her heart burst with love and happiness, not dread, much less loneliness.

She had wished for a partner, too.

And even though details lacked, even though there was nothing actually established, she’d be lying if her meticulous mind hadn’t brought her to the point of wondering what life would be with Alexandra Danvers as her partner. Life had actually been kind to give her the person she’d once dreamed of, and yet, far better than she had ever pictured, but along with it, it only brought deeper insecurities.

Luthor genes.

She was young.

Lena Luthor was an extremely intelligent, successful woman, but she was so young, and yet nothing had stopped her from once dreaming of a child of her own, too. As it had happened with anything in her life, fears had been developed, she’d doubted herself constantly, and uncertainties had eaten away at her, such as; a child that she was doomed to neglect considering the example she once had, a child that was just as doomed to become something despicable that the world would only know to hate, a child that’d have judgmental eyes upon them way before they’d even be born—a defenceless, harmless kid she’d be unable to protect.

Fears that she’d justified, excused as being impossible to happen, merely because there was once the shadow of that terrifying family, but no genes. Her child would never truly be a Luthor, there’d be no influence, no impact, it was mere a shadow in her past. And so, she had allowed herself to dream, given herself the delicious pleasure of picturing something that precious for herself—

—until the illusion broke. She was brought into the Luthor family as an adopted child who so happened to share the same genes, however in secret.

She dared not to speak aloud, but she often thought of the reason why Alex’s life had been turned upside down, so wrecked that the woman had to force herself to find strength where there was none to bring herself up on her feet, and she admired her.

Bloody hell, she was in awe of her. But reasons were reasons, and she couldn’t move past the fact that beautiful woman had lost it all in a blink of an eye merely because she desired what was once her own dream, too. 

What was rightfully hers.

Life had been kind enough to grant her with the delightful treasure of sharing bits of her journey with someone as spectacular as Agent Danvers, and she was far too close to ruin it over fear.

Her craving of a child had dissipated the second she’d learned she was Lionel Luthor’s biological child, and although back then betrayal had been too powerful to feel, she was no longer certain if she’d done it to spite the family she’d been trying to defy for so long, or if it had been by fear. She assumed fear had to be the only reason when her mind filled with images of her lover with a child in her arms, and she would be eager for it, all the while wishing to burst into tears.

Months beside the redhead had taught her quite a lot, patience had surely been one of them, but rushing desire so happened to be another thing on the list. Picturing a scenario such as that one in her mind was easy, processing it, however, wasn’t so simple. Alex Danvers wanted a child, a family, whether it was then or further in the future, she craved it—that was a fact. 

The real question was;

…could Lena work through her fears, and eventually become the person she’d share that with, or would she become just another mistake?

And was she so scared of what her genes meant to her, or what they could possibly mean to the woman she was so infatuated with? Because, at the end of the day, when she truly thought back on her life, most of her insecurities were developed on the base of what certain facts would mean to other people, rather than herself. She’d learned to stop it upon realising the way it held her back, but when it came to her…

…she didn’t think stopping was possible.

Emerald eyes scanned over the large vacant space around her, and with a sigh, she grumbled under her breath,

“I should have never left work.”

…

“Shit, shit, shit,—”

Murmurs and curses were all Alex could hear upon entering their apartment, a scowl taking place in her features immediately before calling out for her girlfriend,

“Lena? Honey?”

“Oh, don’t get in here.”

Spending the day fuming had led Lena to feel a little snappy, although mostly to herself. Hence the reason why her tone came off as a bit hostile when the redhead’s voice echoed off the walls of their shared apartment, the failed attempt to cook a pop roast landing on the kitchen island with a loud, pathetic thud.

She was pathetic.

“Baby, what’s wrong?”

Patient, and beautifully kind as ever, Alex slipped in the kitchen area, frowning deeper at the predicament Lena found herself in. The pot roast was completely ignored, the least of the agent’s concerns as she took in the stress lines across the brunette’s features, along with the irritation that seemed to take possession of her attitudes.

“What happened here?”

“Pretty obvious, isn’t it? I’m fucking useless.”

Shock was clear across the oldest Danvers’ expression, and for a second, she felt _guilty_. It was no one’s fault but her own that she had allowed her mind to take control of her emotions, thus causing her to have a meltdown over small details that needn’t to be thought of. 

However, the appearance of her girlfriend reminded her of every reason why she felt like she wasn’t _good_ enough, and though she had only been trying to help, it made her feel even worse.

“What are you talking about? Lee, you’re not useless, in no absolute way.”

A pause, and Alex was smiling tentatively, the faint movement of her shoulders indicating the sheepish shrug, clear fear for a negative reaction on the action in itself.

“Besides, no one can really master culinary with a pot roast, that dish is just tricky.”

Regardless of heavy thoughts, and an even heavier soul, the Luthor actually allowed a small smile to play at her lips, nodding in acceptance in an attempt to forget about the crappiest day she could think of having ever lived.

“And you’re never useless.”

Well, so much for trying to distract herself.

Childishly tossing the cloth onto the island next to the burnt dish, she turned her back to the redhead, busying herself with the simple task of washing her hands.

“Let’s just agree to disagree.”

“I would normally, willingly do anything for you, but frankly, I don’t think I can do that.”

“Then you’re not going to like where this conversation is going.”

With each word that slipped past her lips, Lena seemed to urgently reach out for endless attempts to escape from a dreadful conversation, her inner debate struggling to be noticed even when she wished it wouldn’t. Nothing good could come out of an admission to be incapable of offering Alexandra Danvers with everything she deserved, and selfishly, she desired to escape from that situation for a while longer.

Just a tiny bit more.

Enough so she could fully enjoy her time with the agent.

“And where exactly _is_ this conversation is going?”

“It depends, where are _we_ going?”

The halt in their conversation was the single evidence the CEO needed to come to the conclusion there was no possibility of that ending well. Apart from that, Alex’s momentary silence only made her question herself even more, the possibility of her having never thought of a future between the two not only making her feel ridiculously insecure, but tremendously stupid for her breakdown.

It took her opening her mouth for those thoughts to fade away—

“I don’t just move in with everyone I know, Lena. For me to place a bet this high on a relationship, I need to be pretty sure of it.”

“And just how certain are you? Because, let’s face it, you were pretty sure of your previous relationship, and look how that turned out.”

Guilt seeped into her bones even before those words were uttered, the mix of shock and hurt that covered Alex’s features making it look as if she had been slapped.

In a way, she figured she wished she had.

“How about we don’t talk about that?”

“I did tell you, you wouldn’t like where this conversation was going.”

Despite the guilt, she couldn’t stop the words from flowing—it drove her mad.

“What do you want me to say, Lee? That I tried with all the strength I had, but it still didn’t work out?”

“I’m trying to make you see you’re wasting the same kind of effort with me.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because I can’t give you any of what you want either!”

The contrast between the two was…terrifyingly beautiful, if she was being honest. Whilst Alex was soft, Lena tended to be rough. There was always the mix between soothingly silent, and fearfully loud. Incredibly rational, and brokenly emotional. The circumstances could change, but none of that would. And as her voice rose with that sentence, it was wonderful to watch as features softened, and calloused hands reached out for her, the promise of comfort and safety feeling so tempting, and yet frightening at the same time. 

“You can’t? What exactly can’t you give me?”

“Everything—a stable life, a spectacular marriage, _children_.”

“You can’t? Why can’t you?”

Oh, she sounded so repetitive, and surprisingly enough, it didn’t increase her irritation, rather, it erased it. In fact, it only seemed to deepen her fears, emerald orbs filling with tears whilst she allowed her hands to be held.

“I used to think that everything I’d touch would break. It was as if my every action held a small amount of darkness, and I was just… spreading it around. I lived in fear of being toxic, of ruining things, people. So, I’d shut myself out. It seemed the most logical solution, if nothing else helped, I’d just lock myself away. Meeting you, getting to know you, _loving _you made me realise it wasn’t really me, it was everything around me—which.. which didn’t make things better. Frankly, come to think of it, it’s worse because I can’t control what surrounds me. Still, I realised that, no matter what I do, my intentions will always mean something terribly negative to someone. Everything I love, everything I create, it’ll never be seen as something positive, not by everyone. So, how can I—”

A sob broke free, and strong arms were pulling her into a tight embrace, its warmth only giving her enough courage to completely crumble.

“—how can I tug you into a life where _you_ will be constantly questioned? How can I give you a child that is doomed to suffer under judgmental eyes from the day it’s born?”

Soft and sweet was the perfect way to describe the way Alex Danvers lifted a single hand to tuck rebellious black locks behind one of her ears, her other arm refusing to break the comforting hug where safety settled between the two, all the while a thumb tenderly wiped stubborn tears away. There was no denying of her own welling up at coffee—coloured eyes, but regardless of her own sadness, a loving grin tugged at the corners of her lips.

She seemed…proud.

“You continue to believe you’re everything that is wrong in this world, when you’re so.. fucking beautiful.”

An urge to snort overcame Lena, but something in her lover’s eyes stopped her from doing so.

“I’m not going to lie to you, Lena. You loathe it, it completely breaks you, and the last thing I want is for you to lose the trust–bond you put so much effort into building with me. Maggie will always be that one person I’ll forever love, despite the outcome of our relationship. No matter what happens, her significance to me will always overwhelm me, and I’ll always hold her close to my heart.”

Well, that was surely comforting her.

Look at that, she was already feeling better.

“But—”

Something in her expression must have shown the way she was feeling, because a slender finger poked at her ribcage, the agent’s smile turning into a more playful one.

“She could never compare to you. You break me, you drive me crazy, and you constantly make me collapse down to my knees. However, you do so in the most delicious of ways. Life is always so unexpected with you, and that fills me with an extreme eagerness you could never even comprehend. And despite what you may think of yourself, you can give me everything I want. Everything _you_ want. Because that’s the difference between you and Maggie, Lena. Whilst she didn’t want to, you merely think you can’t.”

“Alex—”

“Do you want a baby with me?”

“Alex—”

“Answer me, please.”

Conflicted green eyes observed the redhead, yet the response was instant, the positive bobbing of her head seemingly bringing life back into Alex’s body.

“Yes, of course I want a baby with you.”

“Oh, thank god—”

Confused, but amused, she watched as her girlfriend pulled away for the sake of recovering her breath.

“—for a second there, you had me wondering this whole thing was the most fucked up way you could have ever found not to be with me.”

“Alex—”

“Christ, Lena—”

There was a deep urge on both parts to recover that embrace, but Alex only seemed to stumble backwards, tension leaving her body by the quiet confession, which led Lena herself to reach out for her girlfriend.

“You scared me.”

“I–I didn’t mean to, I just—”

Plump lips pressed into red locks, tenderly kissing her temple.

“I thought you were comforting _me_.”

A low, but genuine chuckle escaped the director’s lips, the slight shake of her head showing her just how foolish she had been by spending an afternoon tormenting herself with self–deprecating thoughts, those that were immediately forbidden to attack once more by soft lips pressing into her own.

Her arms curled tighter around her lover’s waist, whining softly when she pulled back to whisper,

“You can give me everything, Lena Luthor. No—I mean it, _please_, do give me everything you want.”


End file.
